Parents are multitasking superheroes! But adding a cancer diagnosis can feel like all those plates you’ve been spinning are going to crash down. We’ve partnered with Bright Spot Network to bring you this helpful guide. For more resources for your whole family, including virtual support groups, children’s programming, and more, visit Bright Spot Network’s website.
There’s no sugarcoating it: Parenting with cancer effing sucks. You may feel guilty about not being able to play with your kids the same way you could before cancer, lonely because treatment is taking you away from your family, or you may feel the heartache and fear that accompanies a cancer diagnosis. Whatever is going on for you, know that you are not alone.
If you need to spend time away from your kids because of surgery or treatment, try one of these ideas to make it a little easier.
If you’re tired, don’t feel well, or need a break, parenting from the bed or couch is okay.
Whether you’re parenting from the bed or couch, or talking to them from the hospital, you’re the parent your child needs.
Parents instinctively want to protect their kids, but hiding a cancer diagnosis from children usually does more harm than good. Kids are perceptive and even very young children can pick up on changes in routine, new caregivers, and a parent’s mood. They may overhear hushed conversations and tune in to new words that sound big and scary. With how imaginative children are, think about how they begin to piece these experiences together to build their ideas of what’s happening. It’s almost always bigger and scarier than the truth. By leading the conversation with your child, you can empower them with knowledge and show them that they can trust you.
So, how do you have such a big conversation with such a little human? As you engage in conversations about cancer with children, keep these three guideposts in mind.
Being honest with your child helps them learn to trust you, but this doesn’t mean you must tell them everything. Child development spans a wide gap. Always remember your child’s unique development and level of understanding when talking to them about your health.
If you have a young child, state the honest facts in short, understandable statements.
Mom/Dad has cancer.
They are going to the doctor to get better.
They are getting a medicine called chemotherapy/radiation.
The medicine may make Mom/Dad feel sick and tired.
You can hug and snuggle Mom/Dad all you want, and you will never catch cancer.
Nothing you did or said caused Mom/Dad to get cancer.
You can always ask questions about cancer or how Mom/Dad feels.
When talking with younger children, it’s okay to leave out some of the details. This information isn’t necessary for them to understand what is happening and it may confuse or overwhelm them. Older children may ask more detailed questions and you should share more as it feels right.
If you want your child to feel safe coming to you with questions, it’s important to let them know that they can ask you anything or talk to you about how they’re feeling. You can always check in with them if they aren’t coming to you first.
It’s okay if you don’t always have the answers or need time to consider it. As long as your child sees you as reliable and trustworthy, you will continue to build a bond that makes them feel safe and respected.
“I don’t know, but I’ll find out” is a perfectly acceptable response.
One of the most common questions that kids ask is, “Are you going to die?” Take some time now to think about how you want to answer this honestly, given your situation, keeping in mind that your child may have a range of responses. Many parents say something like, “My cancer was caught early, and the medical team is doing everything they can to make sure the cancer is gone and doesn’t come back.” or, “My cancer may not ever be gone, but I plan to be here a long time, and I have a great team of doctors who are going to help me.” Finding truthful ways to answer difficult questions is important because they will likely come up.
Start by sharing just the facts and keeping the conversation short. Ask your child what questions they have to gauge their understanding of what you’ve shared and to check if they still want to know more. If they don’t have questions, that’s okay. Some kids will be content just hearing what you say and never asking for more information, while others will have millions of questions. Answer each question as succinctly as possible – adults tend to give more information than necessary – and wait until your child asks for more information before sharing more. You want to give kids just enough information to feel like they understand what is happening, but not so much that they feel overwhelmed.
You know your kids the best. What works for one family may not be right for yours, and what works for one of your children may not be the best approach for your other kid. Trust your gut and follow their lead.
Most parents want to know, “What does my child understand about cancer?” Kids communicate through their behavior, and our job is to be detectives, which can be challenging. Here’s what to expect at different ages.
They may not understand much of what’s happening, but even babies can sense changes in their environment. If there’s a change in the family system, even little ones can feel it.
Preschoolers are all about themselves! Their primary lens is “How does this affect me right now?” They have:
5-10 year olds are starting to broaden their thinking a little bit. They may:
11-13 year olds are starting to understand more complexities. They may:
Teenagers understand complexities. They may:
Remember: You know your child the best. Each child’s developmental path will have a significant impact on how they process, experience, and understand a cancer diagnosis.
Keep in mind that every child is unique and will respond differently, but most will exhibit some or all of these behaviors.
All of these behaviors are normal, but if anything feels extreme or ongoing, it may be beneficial to seek professional help for your child. Therapists who specialize in working with kids use play, art, games, and movement to make children feel comfortable. You can also contact a Child Life Specialist at your clinic who has expertise in child development and helping kids cope with big life events.
Remember that your child has a whole team of people in their corner, including their teacher, school counselor, and any therapists or other outside support they receive. Communicate with those team members about the language you’re using with your child, what questions they’re asking, and how you’re answering. They are here to help!
If your cancer is terminal, you will likely be navigating many big thoughts and feelings – both yours and your kids. While it is important to be honest with kids, there is a way to balance hope and reality. For instance, some parents choose to tell their kids something like, “My cancer is never going away, but my medical team is doing everything they can to keep me comfortable and living as long as possible.”
If your children are young or anxious, you may want to hold back information about death and dying until you physically start to decline. Young children cannot think very far in the future. Once your body begins to slow down and you become more limited in your ability to engage with your children or do the activities they are used to you doing, you can start to talk about death.
When discussing death and dying with children, especially those who are young, it is important to be very specific about what death means: the heart stops beating, the lungs stop breathing, the body no longer needs to eat, drink, or go to the bathroom. They will need to hear that it is final and that bodies that die never come back to life. You may want to talk about spiritual or religious beliefs relating to what happens after you die, as well as rituals or services that will happen after death. Preparing them for these events and changes will help them understand and start to grieve. It may also aid your grief process to engage in these conversations with your kids. Having your partner, best friend, or another loved one with you during these difficult conversations can also be helpful.
The ambiguity of living with chronic and advanced cancer is extremely difficult for adults and even more confusing for children. Books may help your children cope with uncertainty, including The Cancer That Wouldn’t Go Away by Hadissa Field and Someone I Love Doesn’t Feel Good by Sara Olsher. You can also try some of these Legacy Projects to create special memories with your family that they can reflect on after you are gone.
If your partner has cancer, your role can be incredibly scary and overwhelming. Suddenly everyone is looking to you to be the steady force: an attentive caregiver, fierce advocate, grounded parent, and masterful communicator.
It is especially difficult to be a caregiver to your partner when you have kids. Not only are you trying to manage your questions and feelings, but those of your kids, too. During times of upheaval and uncertainty, your kids look to you as the healthy parent to be there for them. With your partner out of commission in some capacity, you will likely pick up their parenting routines.
On top of all of that, you may feel really alone. There is a unique sense of isolation for partners because everyone is directing their support to the person with cancer and it may feel like you have to hold all of your feelings behind a positive, got-it-all-together face.
There are tons of resources out there for parents with cancer, but it can be overwhelming to navigate them all. These are our trusted recommendations.
This guide is offered in partnership with
