A caregiver’s guide to
Supporting a Family Member
Near, far, wherever you are – supporting someone you love while they go through cancer can be challenging. We’ve got your back, so you can have theirs.
Things to Keep in Mind
When it comes to supporting your family member, you know them best. Every family is unique, so do what feels right for your relationship.
Keep it simple
The little things are often the most meaningful. Just calling your family member or watching a movie with them can mean the world when they’re going through it.
Prepare yourself
Try to process your own feelings before talking to your family member with cancer. They’re going through enough already, they don’t need to take on the burden of processing your feelings too. Learn more here.
They’re not just a cancer patient
Your loved one is still the same person they’ve always been. Don’t forget to talk to them about all the interests and passions you share, in addition to talking to them about cancer if they want to.
Learn about their cancer
You don’t need to be an expert, but doing a little background research on their cancer allows you to spend your time talking about other things and not just having them regurgitate facts. But remember that every experience is unique.
Consider their perspective
While you should never assume you know what they’re going through, consider what your family member might be feeling and things you can do to help. This will make you more empathetic when you talk to them.
Support the primary caregiver, too
Both people with cancer and their caregivers need a strong support system around them when dealing with cancer. Make sure their caregiver feels supported, too.
Stick around
Cancer doesn’t end when treatment is over. If your family member is open to it, continue to offer support as time goes on.
What to Say
When a loved one is first diagnosed with cancer, it can feel scary and overwhelming for the people around them. You may draw blanks when you try to think of how to talk to them about their cancer, but just remember that your family member is still the same person they’ve always been. Talk to them like you normally would, be honest, and if you’re not sure, ask them. Sometimes saying you don’t know what to say is the best thing you can say. If you’re stuck, here are a few places to start.
“I’m sorry this is happening.”
“I love you and am here for you.”
“Whenever you want to talk, I’m here.”
“How can I help today? What about next week?”
“It’s good to see you.”
“Fuck Cancer!”
Starting a conversation is the hardest part. Feel free to communicate in person, over the phone, via text, or video call. Check in with your loved one to see what they prefer and if they’re up for a visit. It’s also nice to remind them that they don’t have to reply if they’re not feeling up to it, emotionally or physically.
How to Help
Keep these tips in mind to help guide your family’s relationship through this process.
Check in
Whether you have a standing date or just reach out whenever you’re thinking of them, check in on your family member consistently so they know they can rely on you.
Be flexible
Make plans that can easily be changed and try to remain understanding if your family member needs to adjust your plans. Living with cancer means dealing with unexpected health changes and emotions.
Leave space
Let them know that it’s okay if they need to lay low or not reply sometimes. You’ll be here when they’re ready.
Take cues
Follow their lead about discussing certain topics or their energy for certain activities.
Respect their decisions
Your family member’s health is their own. Don’t try to pressure them into any decisions related to their cancer or treatment options, and only give your opinion if it’s asked for.
Ask permission
Make sure it’s okay for you to see them in person, give advice, or ask questions about their cancer before doing so. They may not always be up for these things.
Have fun
Don’t forget to laugh and have fun with them like usual. When you’ve lost your sense of humor, you’ve lost it all.
Acknowledge sadness
It’s easy to want to avoid sadness or talking about heavy topics, but it’s important not to ignore uncomfortable topics or feelings. Don’t bottle things up.
Offer to help
Ask your family member (or their primary caregiver) how you can help. If they can’t think of specific needs they have, offer some ideas.
Follow through
If you tell your family member you’ll do something, do it. Now is not the time to be flaky.
Talk about other things
You don’t always have to talk about the cancer elephant in the room.
Ideas to Support
People with cancer and their primary caregivers need a support system around them. Sometimes, they’ll have a list of items they need help with. Often, though, cancer is so overwhelming that it’s hard to even know what they need. Here are some ideas that you can offer to help out.
Run errands
Go grocery shopping or pick up prescriptions.
Household chores
Cooking, cleaning, laundry, and gardening.
Help with meals
Cook a meal, pick up takeout and drop it off, or send a gift card (make sure to ask about dietary restrictions).
Child care
Babysit, take them to and from school and activities, or arrange playdates.
Pet care
Walk, feed, bathe, or play with the pets.
Hang out
Watch a movie, play a game, go for a walk, or talk all night.
Go to appointments
Drive them, take notes, and hang out during appointments.
Medical or insurance assistance
Make medical or insurance calls and find resources.
Coordinate help
Meal trains, phone chains, scheduling, or fundraisers.
Gift Ideas
If your love language is gift giving, here are a few ideas that your family member might like and use while they’re going through cancer.
Gift certificate
Food delivery, cleaning service, task rabbit, grocery store, or a massage
Things to read
Magazines, books, or audiobooks
Pictures
Your favorite memories or their favorite people and places
Activities
Crossword, sudoku, or puzzles
Crafts
Coloring books, needlepoint kits, or other creative outlets
Writing
Note cards or a journal
Something sentimental
A video message or scrapbook
Curated playlist
Music, TV shows, or movies they would like
Clothing
Something cozy or something to make them feel normal again
Young Adults Caring for Their Parent With Cancer
If your parent is diagnosed with cancer when you are a teenager or young adult, it can feel like the ground has fallen out from under you. So many things change overnight. It’s normal to feel…
Scared
It’s incredibly scary when your parent is diagnosed with cancer.
Frustrated
You may feel frustrated that some of your freedom and independence has been taken from you.
Isolated
Your life right now probably looks very different than your peers, which can feel isolating.
Confused
The normal parent/child dynamic you’ve had up until now has suddenly been flipped on its head.
Concerned
You may feel concerned about how to care for your parent or how to help with limited resources at this point in your life.
Proud
While caregiving is incredibly hard, it is also very rewarding and you may feel proud of yourself for how you’re able to support your parent during this time.
Any emotion you’re feeling is warranted, normal, and okay. Remember – feelings are good, they mean you’re alive. If you want some assistance in coping with your experience, try one of these options.
Talk about it
Okay this feels obvious. But, talking about your feelings can help ease the burden of them. Talking to your parent(s) and sibling(s) about how you’re feeling can also help you feel less alone and help you all manage expectations during this time.
Understand your parent’s wishes
It’s important to talk to your parent about their wishes when it comes to their treatment options and any financial planning.
Have the information
Make sure you have all necessary medical, legal, and insurance paperwork and other personal identifying information for your parent to make decisions on their behalf if you need to.
Set realistic expectations
Having open conversations with your parent about what they need from you as a caregiver, and what you’re capable of giving, will lead to a smoother overall experience as you both transition into these new roles of patient and caregiver.
Write it down
Journal about your feelings. If you want to share what you’re thinking but don’t want to say it out loud, consider writing a letter or email.
Build a support system
Sit down with your parent and map out their full support system, their contact information, and how they can help your family.
Find support
Consider joining a support group for young adults or finding a therapist.
Maintain normalcy
Try to maintain some sense of normalcy in your day-to-day life by staying in contact with your friends, making time for hobbies, and exercising to relieve stress.
If You Live Far Away
Even if you live far away from your family member, you are still part of their support system and can provide assistance.
Be prepared
If you’ve been asked to deal with any medical, financial, or legal needs for your family member, make sure you have all the information you need. You may need specific documents, such as advance directives, or personal information to coordinate services on your family member’s behalf.
Organize a support system
People with cancer need a whole team of support. Coordinate tasks with your family member’s other loved ones or get a free, personalized patient navigator.
Consider home care
If your family member doesn’t have a primary caregiver who is local to them, you may want to look into professional home care services. The health care team, social worker, or state or local health department can provide reliable referrals.
Anticipate unplanned travel
If your family member needs your help, you may need to travel to them unexpectedly. Save vacation or sick days at work, understand the best way to travel to your family, and budget appropriately.